As of today..

It’s been a year since I felt like shit and hopeless. I left work today at about 430pm and it was raining. In Baguio City, rain is always expected all year round and although I saw from the weather forecast that’s there’s a big chance of rain today, I decided not to bring my umbrella but I brought my beret and wore my boots. As the hotel shuttle left, I stayed silent while my colleagues were talking about the make-up training that we attended earlier because our uniforms are going to be changed by May. I don’t know why but there is something today that I felt relieved. I am satisfied that I am not in the same emotional state like last year. Maybe because I accepted it with time backing me up. I didn’t feel like crying although I miss the feeling of having someone to hold me closer when it rains or to hold my hand whenever I find it difficult to walk. It was hard. But it wasn’t impossible. A year ago, I thought that losing the person you love would be the end of it all because it felt like that. It felt like my world stopped and I am useless because of the mistakes I did but as I started to accept that he is gone permanently and that I have to do this on my own, it felt more comfortable being on my own again. And I will not deny it that we sometimes meet for coffee or dinner but it’s just that. I didn’t decide for us if there is an us. 

There is nothing like us. 

We shouldn’t even call us, us. 

It only makes me sad sometimes because it doesn’t feel the same any more. Not the emotions but the excitement and the yearning isn’t there. 

We simply exist for our own selves. 

And that makes us.. nothing. 

Sincerely typing from phone,

Raiza Vergara


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