How does it feel to be in love again?
After that painful event in my life unfolded back in March, for the past months, my heart had been in constant question of, “How does it feel to be in love again?”
It feels like I had amnesia that I couldn’t remember when was the last time that I felt so in love. I am not exaggerating but yes, I really can’t remember. Maybe this is what happens even though you’ve been with the same person for a lot of years. Six years is a lot and what others say about how many years you’ve been with a person doesn’t matter because it is not the basis for your future together. It makes me sad though because that person is the person who knows your antics and how weird you can be in the previous years. However, those were the previous years and if the person doesn’t learn to grow with you and your goals, it is useless. The emotional investment that you have been working hard to keep is wasted.
A few people who are close to me always ask me why I still meet him knowing that he was the one who broke up with me and that we had a lot of disagreements in the past. Why bother meeting him and let another series of disagreements appear right before my eyes? I honestly don’t know the answer to that question as well. I also question myself the same before I go to sleep last night but it brings me into tears so I stopped thinking about it, about him, about us. Before September ended, I know inside me and accepted that he was right a few months ago. We will never be the same again. We could do better but we have chosen not to be.
We’re still there for each other but between the long silence of our dinners and coffees together, I know for sure that we can never get along perfectly like before. We have a big difference in our outlook in life and I know for sure that I don’t deserve being an option, a second priority, and someone who is easy to let go her hand and being pushed away.
I don’t deserve being with someone who can live without me and who says this statement, “If you can’t wait, then go.” He could’ve said it differently but he didn’t. His harsh and aggressive nature when it comes to talking to people doesn’t fit my kind approach in life.
I have little hope that I’ll get in a serious relationship this year or next year or for the following years.
But we may never know when the next unexpected moment might come..