Maybe time really heals all wounds but there will always be a mark that keeps on reminding us everyday that going through the pain and the tears is a part of walking forward even if it will be small baby steps. I promised my best friend that I will be better and we are in no position to break promises to a best friend who has always been there through our ups and downs within more than a decade of heartaches and mistakes.
I was bitter to see couples and to hear love songs again. It was a phase to go through although the last conversation part is still not over. It will come and I should be in no position to force it. I feared so much of putting it all behind and the tears had gone down. It might come again but I am now not afraid to face it. The denial is over and acceptance is on its way. I started to accept that the mistakes I committed broke a heart thousand of miles away. In whatever type it might have been, it was still a mistake.
Rushing ourselves into letting another person in, in the same way is not the option every person has to do but accepting who we really are inside teaches us what we were and striving how to become better even if it burns on the way.
There is a very difficult way ahead but that is what makes us strong and grow. Without difficulty and challenges, we remain vulnerable to being comfortable which makes us not see things differently.
It was a difficult decision to go home because the pain that caused us is there but it is also going back to where it all started will make you comprehend why things happened. Pain and loneliness will visit every now and then and reality will start to punch us the moment we stepped back to the soil where it all started. It will give us perspective on how to start over with those friends who had been there but ignored and forgotten because of being dependent and comfortable towards that great love that made you comfortable and secure. But comfort without adventure makes a soul kill itself everyday. Financially, it will be very difficult. Emotionally, it will be very challenging. I can write this now bravely because I haven’t seen or talked to the person for a while and people will say that when you see them, it will make you feel the pain they caused and the mistake you did makes you feel the pain in the worst way possible. Yes, it will make us cry, it will make us bleed, and it will hurt so much more than hell. But no mistake will ever change if we dwell in the past and its fragments. I am not 100% brave to ride that plane home and step back to my parent’s house. Although, I know that I will be okay on my own without a man. I start to tell this to myself everyday and stop worrying on what might happen but let life take me to its opportunities and challenges.
I am not afraid to show who I really am now. This is me and if you can’t accept me, you’re free to go.