Approaching Departure

Hello WordPress, I’ve been trying my best since last week to make a post about my upcoming departure. It took me three different drafts to summarize what I am feeling and what happened over the last two months of my life in a great and kind way. I didn’t want to overshare and my colleagues might end up seeing this in the future. Transparency is what I aim for but no matter what I do, there are still emotions involved although not as much as before. I even did a video mentioning why I am leaving Bahrain but I didn’t upload it on my YouTube account. I didn’t want to be this girl who shares her problem and is being consoled (or criticized) by the YouTube space without knowing who I really am.

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Departures are hard. It creates that feeling of sadness that is caused by separation and thinks again if you are making the right decision. My sister-in-law helped me segregate my stuff and pack my clothes. There were only two categories. Box or luggage. I wondered how much pair of shoes I have because apparently I don’t want to get mugged in customs when my box arrives in the Philippines. My shoes will never be for sale, they are mine and a part of my heart. I realized that I have more than 20 pairs of shoes (not counting the three pairs of work shoes I have in my locker at work) that consists of some of my old Converse, a few heels, and flats. These are all used and not for sale. I will never sell them. As we emptied my closet and arrange them, I also came to a realization how much dress and coats I have despite having winter in Bahrain for only every 6 months and I call myself not fashionable. Now I clearly see that I am a woman.

It is very difficult to discuss and talk about the life changing event that happened to my life recently. The thousands of miles in difference make it even worse and it was the weakest feeling I’ve ever been in my entire existence. Some people who follow this blog may already know about what happened because of my previous posts and yes, I made mistakes. Sometimes, I escape reality by sleeping but my ghosts still makes its appearance in my dreams. Over the last two months, I’ve experienced the worst anxiety attacks in my life that has led me to take antidepressants for 10 days. At first I was afraid to share it but being able to accept my weaknesses only made me realize how strong I am and how stronger I’ll be as I count my remaining days in Bahrain. Yes folks, I am leaving Bahrain for good. I recently found a job in my hometown which I am hoping at my best lead me to my career growth. It will be a different environment and there will be a very big adjustment. If it doesn’t work, well hello life and adventure! I’ve been through some more shit over the last three years than breakdown over not having a job. I don’t want to jinx it though.

There are some things that I wanted to do in the past years but I couldn’t because I’m abroad and now that I’m coming home, I will make sure to pursue it. I’ve had some debts to pay in friendships I ruined because of my inability to accept that I am 5 time zones away from them and envious of how they keep their happiness while living back home. It was also the right time to confront the demons and ghosts that haunted me for years. There are people ignored and friends abandoned. Isolating myself from everyone to stop the feeling of loneliness and yearning made me insecure and haunted by fear and anger. I recently started to joke around people and I started to look at things in a positive way and I feel a little different, I feel like my old self again before the long term relationship that I just got dumped from. Saying that I’m 100% OK is not the truth but the term loading would be better.

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Although I only have a few days left in Bahrain, I started to miss it. I want to stop worrying that I will not be able to have the same comforts back home but I guess that that is what I need right now. I’ve been in comfort for so long that I wanted to have more challenges and face new difficulties.

-Raiza

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