To Fear or Not to Fear : Permanent

A word that I was so afraid to read or even hear. I don’t want to be a permanent crime or mistake. I wanted to be the person who made the mistake and makes everything clear after the ending. But nothing changed and I’ll always be the girl who broke his heart twice. I will always be the one who committed the crime.

Nathan is still the same person who keeps everything to himself and I would’ve known this all along. Nathan will never participate in a closure  nor listen to explanations of a half decade long love. Because to him, when a mistake is made, it is done and there will be no questions asked he will always hear his own thoughts.

I have come face to face with a lot of my demons lately and being so vulnerable made the selfish side of me come out yet again. I am not brave and a temporary fix like a band-aid consisting of alcohol, shopping, swimming, and eating my favorite cuisine will not deliberately make the pain and the reality vanish. 

Two cigarettes and two breakdowns later, I found myself shivering again because of the word permanent. My best friend described how Nathan said it in a sarcastic way but I believe that even if he said sarcastically, he meant what the word exactly as it is.

What am I more afraid of? Not being able to move forward? Or not being able to forgive myself after he forgives me?

I should be ashamed of myself for hurting Nathan and a lifetime damage to myself that will never be forgotten nor forgiven.

A friend told me to ask for a sign but I guess the absence of a sign is a sign.

A sign to let reality sink in and accept what is now permanent.

Some demons cannot be tamed. – Niklaus Mikaelson, The Originals Season 3, Episode 19

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