I had another emotional breakdown this morning and it’s getting worse every day. Every time a simple memory of Nathan that pops in my mind, it makes me breakdown that we may never be able to do those memories again together. This morning, I just woke up and suddenly felt nauseous and my tears started to fall. I’m punching my eyes and pulling my hair out to make myself stop. I am so damn tired of crying like this every time. I sent another video to my best friend and before I could remove Viber, one of my good old friends from college was on her lunch break and was able to talk to me. I told her that I’m almost losing my sanity and I feel so empty every time. I even told her that I kept on looking at the 10th floor of our building wondering how much damage would it cause my body to stay numb after falling down just to get rid of this pain.
They keep on saying that I’m stronger than this but I’m really not and I’m going insane not being able to control myself from breaking down. I don’t even know why I’m like this. I’m not like this before. I don’t who I am any more. Last night, I told myself that it’s going to be the last time but it seems like I don’t have control of my own body. I wanted the crying to stop, my nose and my throat is okay and I want to go back to work. But right after waking up, my body just went weak that I couldn’t walk, all I was doing was crying and vomiting whatever kind of mucus was coming down from my nose. Yes, gross.
My friend told me that there is no skip button for this and that I have to go through this. But I don’t want to get through this, I’m so tired and I am telling myself to stop crying but my body is doing the exact opposite. My nose and throat started to get hurt again so I tried to pull my shit together and eat breakfast and drink my meds.
When I arrived at work, people from my department was happy to see me and asked if I am okay now. I could only nod and lie.
Throughout the day at work, I’m trying my best to hold back my tears every hour because if I don’t, I’m going to end up losing my job soon.
I found myself browsing jobs back home since my friend told me that I could stay at her parents’ place in the meantime if I want to while looking for a job. I found myself searching for therapy clinics around Bahrain. I called one and hell, I should’ve known it’s expensive. The lady from the other line said it’s BHD50 per session / hour. Are you kidding me?
Maria from the Guest Relations was so kind to bring me tea at my desk 30 minutes before I leave work. It makes me feel so thankful of working in such a great place and hotel yet I might leave soon because I can’t let my emotional incapability jeopardize its legendary service.
I’m stable for now. I don’t know when another breakdown is coming.