I wish that I can afford to be miserable. Unlike in the movies such as 500 Days of Summer and Sex and the City The Movie, I can’t afford to just leave my job and go for a weeklong vacation hibernating in my apartment or go out of the country for peace of mind. Things like travel from my side of this country, work, and lifestyle has to be planned ahead because vacations depend on the salary I get and I don’t have a credit card to just book everything last minute or more commonly known as be spontaneous. I can’t be impulsive in doing things because I have a responsibility in my job, my family, and the money that I’ve worked hard for. I can do it with neighboring countries that are near Bahrain but it will still be too expensive for me specially that my nationality doesn’t always get trusted with getting visas. I’ll be on leave from the end of April until the first week of May but I cancelled all my Dubai bookings because I wasn’t able to save money for my trip to go there and the main source of my trip still hasn’t arrived or I’m not sure if it will ever arrive. The bonus is an extra money you get every year depending on your Performance Development Review and it is based if you are a performer or not. Usually strong performers get 30 to 40 days of salary and that’s hell a lot of money. I was able to afford going to Tagaytay back in 2014 and give my mother my part of share for her operation as well from that amount of money. We still haven’t heard any news about it but there was a bit of light with rumors that it only needs one more signature. I don’t believe in rumors so I am going to wait until a credible source says that it’s going to be given to the staff or not. It’s either a yes or no.
In an industry like the hospitality, there is no excuse in extending your personal problems to your guests because they are not paying to hear your rants about life or relationships or about anything. What they want is to get that they are paying for and if you exceed their expectations then it will be good for your performance. I admit that for the past weeks, I had been unfair to my job and for everything that I’ve worked for to get in this position because of my shortcomings. I have failed in coming on time because I couldn’t sleep early. I couldn’t help it; it comes out just like word vomit. One day, I don’t feel anything and then the next day, all I wanted to do is to cry and cry some more until it doesn’t hurt.
I wanted to dwell in the pain to let it become a part of me. Resisting it will worsen the situation and suicidal thoughts made me selfish. This life that I live is not mine to take and those people who are waiting for me back home (who I overlooked because of a boy who made me the happiest girl in her early 20s) will still be waiting for me. Mariel made me realize this yesterday. Abigail told me to write more but I’m afraid of writing more, about him and me and who were.
Some people try to uplift me by saying bad things and possibilities of what is happening back home but I don’t want to hear any of that. They say that it’ll help in the healing process and this will make me be ready for any truth that I may discover later on. But I didn’t want to know anything, nothing at all; I don’t want to know how he’s doing and how he’s coping.
I want to be blind for quite some time while I try to keep my shit together in getting up, live with the fact that I’m single now, but I know that he will always make me happy (at least in some of my dreams and our memories) and my heart will always beat for that Nathan who made strawberry flavored Maxx candy rain inside the car and left one stick of cigarette with a piece of the same flavored candy in my jewelry box because he knew I was broke.