I had another emotional breakdown this morning and it’s getting worse every day. Every time a simple memory of Nathan that pops in my mind, it makes me breakdown that we may never be able to do those memories again together. This morning, I just woke up and suddenly felt nauseous and my tears started to fall. I’m punching my eyes and pulling my hair out to make myself stop. I am so damn tired of crying like this every time. I sent another video to my best friend and before I could remove Viber, one of my good old friends from college was on her lunch break and was able to talk to me. I told her that I’m almost losing my sanity and I feel so empty every time. I even told her that I kept on looking at the 10th floor of our building wondering how much damage would it cause my body to stay numb after falling down just to get rid of this pain.
They keep on saying that I’m stronger than this but I’m really not and I’m going insane not being able to control myself from breaking down. I don’t even know why I’m like this. I’m not like this before. I don’t who I am any more. Last night, I told myself that it’s going to be the last time but it seems like I don’t have control of my own body. I wanted the crying to stop, my nose and my throat is okay and I want to go back to work. But right after waking up, my body just went weak that I couldn’t walk, all I was doing was crying and vomiting whatever kind of mucus was coming down from my nose. Yes, gross.
My friend told me that there is no skip button for this and that I have to go through this. But I don’t want to get through this, I’m so tired and I am telling myself to stop crying but my body is doing the exact opposite. My nose and throat started to get hurt again so I tried to pull my shit together and eat breakfast and drink my meds.
When I arrived at work, people from my department was happy to see me and asked if I am okay now. I could only nod and lie.
Throughout the day at work, I’m trying my best to hold back my tears every hour because if I don’t, I’m going to end up losing my job soon.
I found myself browsing jobs back home since my friend told me that I could stay at her parents’ place in the meantime if I want to while looking for a job. I found myself searching for therapy clinics around Bahrain. I called one and hell, I should’ve known it’s expensive. The lady from the other line said it’s BHD50 per session / hour. Are you kidding me?
Maria from the Guest Relations was so kind to bring me tea at my desk 30 minutes before I leave work. It makes me feel so thankful of working in such a great place and hotel yet I might leave soon because I can’t let my emotional incapability jeopardize its legendary service.
I’m stable for now. I don’t know when another breakdown is coming.
I wish that I can afford to be miserable. Unlike in the movies such as 500 Days of Summer and Sex and the City The Movie, I can’t afford to just leave my job and go for a weeklong vacation hibernating in my apartment or go out of the country for peace of mind. Things like travel from my side of this country, work, and lifestyle has to be planned ahead because vacations depend on the salary I get and I don’t have a credit card to just book everything last minute or more commonly known as be spontaneous. I can’t be impulsive in doing things because I have a responsibility in my job, my family, and the money that I’ve worked hard for. Continue reading “KYST 2”
Love should be built from memories that aren’t digital.
When you do something that you love, you don’t hesitate and you pour it all in. This is when your passion comes out and sometimes, it is misused in the wrong situation or person. Pure love is without doubt and unconditional. Compassion shouldn’t be scripted. However, we misuse these important traits that could’ve been invested into something better or the best result. But as my boss said today, life is unfair and we have to take risks. We have to try something to see if it works for us and if it doesn’t, learn from it and be better in achieving what you desire to achieve. But is the term misused really appropriate? Wrong investment? Bad risk taken? Wrong approach?
At an age where romance doesn’t seem to come often knocking at your door and ask you how you’ve been and if you’re available for dinner next Saturday, but instead poking you on Facebook, is romance dead? People start to mistaken short-lived infatuation with love over long conversations over texting and liking of each other’s posts online when it should be personal telling the other person how amazing their eyes are when he or she laughs.
Love should start at first hellos. Love should start from asking how his/her day was and if he or she would like to have some coffee some time. Love should be the first time you felt that kick of excitement when he or she skipped team lunch at work just so that you wouldn’t be alone eating light lunch at the mall. Love should start from the joy in that first sight of him or her after months of not talking to each other even if you live in the same city.
Love should start sweet long conversations over coffee and bread at Studio 21. Love should start when he chose to be with you on your birthday and listen to your cynical comments about heartaches and men. Love started when he let you lean over his shoulder and hold his arm while waiting in the taxi line because it’s cold. Love started when he greeted you first on the eve of your birthday and asked if you’re doing anything later the next day. Love started when he started to buy you chocolate even if you didn’t request it. Love started when he rushed to take a bath and pick you up from an exam to listen again to your cynical comments about relationships and disgust with men. Love started when he invited to treat you for late lunch from his poker winnings. Love started when he shared his food with you on your birthday because you were too shy to say yes for his treat. Love started when responds to your emotional outbursts in group messages but you never replied. Love started when he returned to that restaurant near the university after dropping the girl he was dating at the time just to catch up with you and you weren’t there anymore. Love started when he insisted to drop you in front of your boarding house on your birthday because it’s not safe to ride alone in a taxi and it’s in the same way as his trip home. Love started when he left a family gathering early to grab some beer and pizza just to listen to your pessimistic and heartbreaking thoughts again about relationships and men. Love started when he asked if you could stay longer to watch the beautiful sky after sunset because your mother asks you to go home early before 7pm. Love started when he dropped you at the bus station and asked for a couple more minutes to spend time together before leaving town even if he knows that he will see you after three days.
Love started when both of you were too afraid to say the word itself because of how it might end and the foundation that was built would be shattered sooner or later. Love started when she took the risk and enjoyed the best ride of her life. But like any other ride, it had to end right?
It’s not always easy to say the right words. You have to contemplate the audience’s feedback. But this is raw, I’m letting it out.
True friends don’t hit you from behind. They hit you in your face with the truth. They will not talk shit about you with other friends especially those who are closest to you. You are a fool for saying those words to my best friend and I love her for defending me despite you saying those bad things against me and I will not apologize for completely blocking someone from my life in any form, social media or even in the real world without a word.
One day we might meet but I will not respond to the hypocrisy. True friends will not judge you with what they hear or what they see. They talk to you straight, ask you what’s wrong and if they can help. They will not talk shit behind your back. I was a fool to believe that we are very good friends for more almost ten years and you hurt me with what I discovered. It’s heartbreaking.
Two heartaches in a year in less than a month. Whoa, someone or something is really testing me.
2017, better give me a bountiful year!