Level-headed

As I try to summarize all the emotions that we both let each other know through the internet, it takes me to one decision to let things happen and not act upon it. I wanted so bad yesterday to go home and resign. My mother called and I told my brother too. I didn’t get excited when my mother started to say things that she wanted me to do when I come home, but that’s just her. I mean mothers will always make us do things that will keep us busy and are good for us. I went home earlier than the normal time that I should go home because it was too hard for me to carry such weight of non-stop replay of everything that he just told me on Sunday. Thinking about it now even makes me shiver right now. I had a lot of questions but it all boils down to two words, my fault.

One of my colleagues dropped me in front of my building even if it’s just near our workplace because I can’t walk. My feet felt weak and my body just couldn’t deal and keep its shit together for another 4 hours at least. My boss told me to go home so that’s settled. When I got home, I grabbed a cigarette and smoked. I smoked till I wanted to feel nothing but all I could hear was his words and my wrong-doing. There were no tears, just thoughts of what is coming and what might we become in a matter of days, weeks, months, and years. I dread that a day would come when he’ll say that he doesn’t love me anymore and only then that I will stop fighting to save us. After a cigarette, I went in to my room, shut off the lights, hugged Baymax and closed my eyes. I cried and was able to go to sleep in a few minutes. Before sleep took over me, I felt tired and wished that this was just a bad dream but it isn’t. I woke up to the sound of a phone call in Viber and saw that my mother was calling. I turned on my bedside lamp and answered the phone call. We spoke for about 30 minutes discussing that I should just go home if I feel like I want to instead of being here and sad and depressed. I told her yes but I’ll have to think about it again and talk to my boss. I couldn’t just throw away all of my hard work.

I felt thirsty and a little hungry so I got up from bed and drink a lot of water. I felt like I was dehydrated from the pain since yesterday.

I called two of my colleagues to cook some food and share my agony. We talked and we smoked outside too discussing about the situation. They couldn’t believe it at first too but they agreed that yes, I am at fault this time.

There are no excuses.

They both go on to the rest of their evening while I went back to the kitchen to wash the dishes still thinking about what would happen now and nervous of what’s to come. I didn’t want to end there, somehow at one point, I wanted to fight. After washing the dishes, I went back to bed and cried again. I couldn’t sleep so I just watched The Originals again and again. I even drink tea so that I could fall back to sleep. But for 5 hours, I just sat there in my bed while hugging Baymax (I feel like if Baymax could talk, he would’ve been scolding me for letting him be my handkerchief in these troubled times).

I didn’t want to go to Facebook for I was afraid of what I might see and I stopped the crying for a while. (For about 30 minutes). But I saw two of our long-time friends are online and realized that they have to know. Besides, he told me that I should be the one to tell them and not him. I told them and apologized many times. I didn’t say the reason why but I continued to send them messages that I am sorry for everything and they should take care of each other all the time. This was very difficult for me so the tears started to fall again and I just cried there until I decided to go out and smoke again. I didn’t realize that I was talking to them for an hour and crying as well. It was about 3 am when I get up from bed, washed my face, and headed outside to smoke again.

And as I smoked my second cigarette, I found a figure standing in front of me and spoke¸ “What happened? How? Why? Are you okay?” We spoke briefly on Sunday when I was desperate for help to save the relationship and his kindness and care for the situation I’m in is something that is hard to find in a friend these days and in this age. He said, “If there is something that I can do, if you will allow me, I‘ll call him because he’s being unfair to you and nothing happened. I will talk to him and explain if it helps you to feel better. It was such a long time ago. Don’t punish yourself. You don’t deserve to be treated like this especially when people who know you here know the truth.” (But I know too well that it will not work. It will only make things worse.) I said sorry to him and for including his name in my mess when he didn’t do anything bad or something. I feel bad that I said sorry so many times. (I felt like I said sorry more than a hundred times yesterday to a handful of people) He told me that there was nothing that I have to be sorry about and that he knows I’m strong enough to endure this. But as a last resort, if all else fails, he told me that I can call him any time to let him call him back home.

He looked at me in the eye for about 30 seconds and told me, “You’re a strong girl but sometimes, even the strong needs help. Call me if you really need me to call him and tell everything.”

But I won’t. I’ve caused enough trouble and I won’t any more. I finished my nth cigarette and went back to my room. Only then that I realized that it was almost 4am and I still don’t feel sleepy.

-Raiza

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