There is no exact definition of a moment so intense that I hoped it could last longer but it didn’t. It was the first week of December when I attended a royal wedding and we had to stay at the palace for two days. I was assigned as a server but attending the royal wedding isn’t the highlight of this post. It was those few moments of tranquility and pure joy inside a burning desire that is forbidden to show.I know from the start that it wasn’t infatuation nor it was love. It is more of admiration and appreciation of someone so kind and genuine.  

There will always be small signals to know if someone likes you or not but for someone like me, I tend to ignore these signals due to the fact that I have a man waiting for me in the Philippines and that man had been with my ups and downs for the past 5 years of my life. I could not ask for more from him. His family approves of our relationship and everything seems so well and perfect, however it isn’t. Long distance relationships should be for people who are strong, honest, has a good resistance of temptation, and knows how to deal with things alone. This man and I are still together, as we say it, we are always together by heart although there is a reality in front of us and those are the 5 time zones separating us. We tried to make rules for us to work our relationship but as time passed and as we grew apart, there had been misunderstandings due to our different point of views and we couldn’t just meet and agree at one point. However, there is one that we meet.. Love. But at this age, love is not enough. There should be an effort to drive it and make it work.

For the years that I stayed in Bahrain, I have been at my best to enjoy my time alone but have been visited by loneliness most of the time. I tried to keep my door shut and keep it out but as I see couples walk around me, laugh at each other’s corny jokes, and eat meals together, I grew an incurable pain of jealousy and anger inside. I was jealous that I could not have the same and blame him for not being able to work at the same time as I am to at least come visit me. I am angry for not being happy like them and to myself for letting these surround and succumb me to my isolation. I am honestly writing right now that due to some shortcomings not only with his side, my side, and our relationship, I have gone weak of what I was expecting him to do that I could never get him to do. I am honestly writing right now that after all the pain he caused me, the pain I caused him, and the pain we caused this relationship, we grew apart like what other people say and I couldn’t blame anyone but me for leaving. I knew from the start that a lot will change but I still chose to leave because I wanted to go away from him and prove how strong our bond really is. He questioned me every time why our love still needs to be tested when we’ve been together for so long. I laugh inside and quickly turn away. I don’t want to tell him that it’s not just a test but to see how we can persevere to each other’s individual traits as time goes by. There is nothing much more for me to say about this man. I do care but it seems like he doesn’t need it any longer. As he said, I am a nagger.

However bad our relationship has become, I am still in tears in the thought of losing him and I guess that.. that is love.

However great our relationship might have been or might be, I will always be thankful for the time and effort that we have shared.

I am honestly writing and admitting that I was confused twice.

…Tempted once 5 time zones away and amazed once one step away.

Sincerely guilty,

Iya Rai 💋


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