We are what we don’t see

I only had 6 hours sleep but whatever I have done before that had marked how awful of a person I really am. I’ve been trying to avoid drinking with people from work who aren’t close to me because I don’t like them to see how I look like when I’m drunk. But if it’s Klang Klang or Ate Maricel, it’s okay. Both of them are my only walls to lean on in times of need and they did give me what I need in the most sincere way. Even though he’s drunk enough to stay in bed, he dropped me to my room and into my room and together with Ate Maricel, removed my shoes. Even though Ate Maricel was I think sleeping already, she managed to put my blanket on top of me and fix my head so that I can sleep properly. I slept in my bed wearing the same clothes that I had worn yesterday. But when I woke up at around 5 due to some noises from the other room, I still felt dizzy and the box of Tide soap is really playing with my eyes. It looks like it’s moving from left to right over and over again. I brushed my teeth, changed my clothes, washed my face, and drunk texted my significant other which turned now to a complete blur. I don’t remember all the words that I told him across the 5 time zones between us. But I know the thoughts and feel the gravity now of what we have discussed. I always say that it might be the last time. I even found out that I removed my Viber, again. I remember that I was crying while texting him and eventually cried myself to sleep. My sleep for the next hours was unpleasant. I now remember and realize why I don’t like drinking. But it brings happiness at least for an hour or two with other people and that’s something that I don’t want to regret in the future; getting to know people my age from different places..

My head and heart hurts right now. I only drink like 5 glasses of mixed vodka and some unknown flavored juice. But the hangover is tough and I haven’t been drinking a lot of alcohol in the past months due to a promise to myself to stay fit. I even skipped gym yesterday.. Now, I am enjoying my breakfast with the jolly hotdog that my roommate was so kind to bring me yesterday. When I opened the box, I felt like I was 7 again but still 24 with the heartache that I’m currently experiencing.

The 5-time zone distance really damaged me and I blamed him for not getting a job and instead, getting a car. I blamed all to him why I never get flowers on my birthday and that he never even visited here once.

Sitting here on my bed listening to All Good Things by Nelly Furtado while enjoying my breakfast just makes me feel like I want to call in sick and not go to work. But I can’t do that. I can’t let this heartache affect my life outside these four walls.

So I will try to overcome this headache and go to work.

Sincerely aching,

Iya Rai


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