There was an incident at work that involves my line of work and I guess my brother was right, I just feel anxious that’s why I can’t sleep properly these past few days. But my sleeping problem has cost me a lot. Today, I went to work today with only an hour of sleep. I lay down in my bed last night at 15 minutes to midnight and until five in the morning, I couldn’t sleep. To make my facial features worst, I had an emotional breakdown and cried my heart out to my significant other of inability to digest and decide what I really want. My eyes and my body is tired but my mind keeps on working and thinking about things that I don’t want to think about. Now it makes me feel even worse that my mind has more control over my body than the whole of me against it. Being here abroad had made me realize a lot of things and accept chances that I used to overlook in the past.
In a place where a half woman like me ( I say that because I feel like there’s still a little girl inside me that is afraid to face the real world and still in denial that it’s been five years since college graduation) doesn’t want to make friends and make that deep connection, I don’t know if I really can keep in the loneliness. I don’t want to make new friends, I want to keep in closer to my life those who are my friends. But what am I doing? I have grown incommunicable. I left our group chat again with my friends from college. They might talk about me again that I’m having an emotional breakdown and yes, I am. They used to tell me that I should tell them what’s going on and that they might help me. But I know that they already have enough problems to deal with. I don’t want to bother them with my quarter life crisis. Most of my friends had always been there reaching out. But I have chosen to build a wall where if I can still take it, I’ll take it. I’m not the same person before who used to show weakness in front of my friends and breakdown that I couldn’t take it anymore without even trying of taking it.
I’m having a lot of thoughts and confusion in which path to take. I wanted to go home to be closer to the people I love but afraid of not being able to find a job like the one that I have here right now. My mother told me to go home if I can’t take it anymore. But there are responsibilities that I have to take responsibility of before even making a decision. It has to be well planned and not be rushed by emotions that are delicately created by the whispers of a little girl inside of my head.
I’m currently chatting with one of my college friends right now who’s living in Dubai and we’re talking about work. Fine! I’m the one who reached out okay. I saw her online and I don’t have anyone to talk to here cos my roommate’s asleep.
Got to go now.