Nothing

How do you end a pain so strong it could kill you mentally? I caused my pain. I came here and left the love of my life fulfill his life without prioritizing me and here I am still crazy in love and prioritizing a man who could never let me in that particular position. Until when will I carry the pain I caused? A pain so strong it could knock me out of the other senses that makes me who I am or at least human. Ending a life will never substitute ending a self caused problem.

My significant other gets his car and enrolls to his masterals without a job and here a I am with a job without a car and without a masterals. Is this what he had made me become? An insecure bitch who has the job but doesn’t have the comfort that the other party enjoys? Or this is what I have chosen I should become? Should I feel bad for having a job but not having the person I love next to me? Should this even be allowed to be talked about?

In a late night crying and sitting on the bathroom floor while typing this post, I worried more on how much cigarettes I had finished tonight than worrying where this relationship would go. Going three years now on an LDR is driving me crazy and I don’t know if the other party understands that. He’s never felt how it is to work abroad so he really shouldn’t say something about having the same feeling of pain. Yes, we have the same thousands of miles missing each other but does he realize how hard it is to deal with an LDR while working. KYST.

i FEEL NOTHING.

I wanted to end it. I don’t see a future anymore. All I can see now is just me living alone for the rest of my life. Should that be bad? It shouldn’t, right? It should be something to be celebrated. Celebrating individuality. I should write a book inspiring other women to try to live their lives without men.

The intense pain had caused me to feel nothing. 

Sincerely, Iya

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One thought on “Nothing

  1. we’ve all been there. i’ve been through something similar to what you’re going through right now. but you know what? as bleak as everything seems right now, you’re gonna be alright. just stay strong and hopeful that things will eventually fall into place. they will.

    take care. =)

    Like

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