Sleep-Friend-Sex Deprived

There was an incident at work that involves my line of work and I guess my brother was right, I just feel anxious that’s why I can’t sleep properly these past few days. But my sleeping problem has cost me a lot. Today, I went to work today with only an hour of sleep. I lay down in my bed last night at 15 minutes to midnight and until five in the morning, I couldn’t sleep. To make my facial features worst, I had an emotional breakdown and cried my heart out to my significant other of inability to digest and decide what I really want. My eyes and my body is tired but my mind keeps on working and thinking about things that I don’t want to think about.  Now it makes me feel even worse that my mind has more control over my body than the whole of me against it. Being here abroad had made me realize a lot of things and accept chances that I used to overlook in the past.  Continue reading “Sleep-Friend-Sex Deprived”

Advertisements

Undecided Resignation

It has been very stressful for the past days at work. My schedule is from 12pm to 9pm but last night, I left from work around quarter to 10. I couldn’t help it. Although I work hard, I feel like everytime I feel good that I work hard, the next day, someone will always disappoint and disgust me with their inability to communicate properly at work and just care about themselves. We have certain values at work that has to be in practice and communicating and involving people is one of those. Everybody should be involved in the work that affects everybody. I had breakdown this afternoon. I really couldn’t take it anymore. I just stood up from my desk and went to the washroom. I felt like I was going to cry but only a few tears fell from my eyes and it surprised me. I don’t want to seem to be a bad person because I am kind and patient and people abuse that for some reason that I don’t want to know. 

Maybe they are stressed too from Ramadan but they better put up their work game on because I am fulfilling my duties with my best unlike them. 

It’s my significant other’s birthday today and the operation of the mother of one of my closest friends back at home. 

I feel tired. Salary arrived today. I wanted resign but I haven’t saved a single centavo in my bank account at home. Good luck.

Sincerely,

Iya 💋

Liberating Thy Hair

I have only cut my hair the shortest four times in my lifetime. Most of the time specially when I was younger, my mother always decide what’s best for my hair..well, what’s best for me in everything. But she has a special irritating demands for thy hair. It has been kept long and curly until the rebonding and relaxing of hair in the early 2000s came to the scene. I was 14 and was in 2nd year high school when my hair was rebonded. My classmates in school called me Sadako for my mother’s decision to keep it long. The length of my hair was down until my hips. Some of the people said that I looked like a ghost because of my pale skin and the long hair but my boyfriend at the time told me that it looked nice. Well, hello? He’s my boyfriend so he will say that. But I was 14 so I gave the decision making to my mother and we kept it long. Before my high school graduation, I had to cut all the hair that was rebonded to keep the curls visible again. I looked nice with the short wavy hair but I was tempted to do another straightening treatment when I was about to finish my first semester in college.  Continue reading “Liberating Thy Hair”

Nothing

How do you end a pain so strong it could kill you mentally? I caused my pain. I came here and left the love of my life fulfill his life without prioritizing me and here I am still crazy in love and prioritizing a man who could never let me in that particular position. Until when will I carry the pain I caused? A pain so strong it could knock me out of the other senses that makes me who I am or at least human. Ending a life will never substitute ending a self caused problem.

My significant other gets his car and enrolls to his masterals without a job and here a I am with a job without a car and without a masterals. Is this what he had made me become? An insecure bitch who has the job but doesn’t have the comfort that the other party enjoys? Or this is what I have chosen I should become? Should I feel bad for having a job but not having the person I love next to me? Should this even be allowed to be talked about?

In a late night crying and sitting on the bathroom floor while typing this post, I worried more on how much cigarettes I had finished tonight than worrying where this relationship would go. Going three years now on an LDR is driving me crazy and I don’t know if the other party understands that. He’s never felt how it is to work abroad so he really shouldn’t say something about having the same feeling of pain. Yes, we have the same thousands of miles missing each other but does he realize how hard it is to deal with an LDR while working. KYST.

i FEEL NOTHING.

I wanted to end it. I don’t see a future anymore. All I can see now is just me living alone for the rest of my life. Should that be bad? It shouldn’t, right? It should be something to be celebrated. Celebrating individuality. I should write a book inspiring other women to try to live their lives without men.

The intense pain had caused me to feel nothing. 

Sincerely, Iya

Distraction from Hurting

There are moments in life when you just want to stay in your room and suck in the emptiness and silence. I usually drown myself in my collection of mp3s since high school but tonight I just would like to listen to one album that can totally understand how I’ve been feeling for months. Justin Timberlake’s 20/20 Vision is taking over my sanity. The song Blindness and Blue Ocean Floor had been on repeat every time I go home from work. I miss waking with my significant other but I have to be brave right now. It’s not my fault that he’s still looking for a job. Yes, he just graduated and I can’t believe I’m writing something I promised never to write about. The last thing I want to write is about him because this blog is not about him. It’s about me. It’s about me contemplating whether to resign from my job next year or not just so that I could see his face everyday. Choices.  Do we really all have a choice? But what if that choice will hurt us?

Maybe hurting is a choice. Should we or should we not get hurt?