I started to try and write the first chapter of my experience abroad and as I finish Chapter 1 with 2020 words, the last sentences in that chapter made me sadder. It feels as is I am still there. That I can still feel the same yearning for my significant other as before. Nothing changed. Whenever I look up the sky and see a plane, I wished I could ride it and go home to him just to embrace him and whisper how much I missed his smile and his humor. Our conversations is the one thing that I miss the most. But some of our conversations when I went home recently changed a little or maybe it was my reaction to it.
I tend to get mad at him all the time and I take all things seriously. His jokes doesn’t seem to go through my mind. Maybe this was because I was preoccupied thinking and still hoping that he would propose this year. But that was me a month ago. I told so many times in this blog that I’ll never hope again but I still did. Right now, I just don’t feel anything. So this was the traumatic experience. I asked him to marry me and he said no. He worked his logic on me of course. It does make sense. He just graduated from college, doesn’t have a job, and still haven’t lived the life of a bachelor. But must this be my fault? Must this be a wait for me? It was our monthsarry today but I no longer count. I told him that we must stop counting the months, just the years. But he said that he still wants to count. Well, for me there’s not much reason to celebrate and even say happy monthsarry because there’s no point. I don’t mean it since he’s not here. So better just say it to his face though. It’s reality. He has to accept it.
For the past months, I have learned to accept things that I can not change if I’m the only one doing something to make it better and move on. I don’t want to be called a nagger and a control freak again.