Keeping Your Shit Together
Do you know how hard it is to keep your shit together while at work? I look at my work as a stage in a theatre. Every day, before I step into that stage, I make sure that whatever is supposed to be hidden should never be seen by my beloved audiences which are my internal and external guests. They should never know how much pain or happiness I am going through unless it’s necessary. I wouldn’t burden my guests with my worries because that wouldn’t make them happy. At work, everything should be happy unless the guest isn’t. Sometimes, I even forget about it but at the end of the day, it’ll eat you. No matter how hard it is to hide, it will definitely come out. But it won’t matter. From the moment I timed out last night, I felt like the burden and hurt that I’ve been feeling which is locked in that 10 hour period had me drowned. I cried the moment I arrived in my room and craved a cigarette. I asked one of my friends calmly over the phone but as he heard the loneliness in my voice, he asked and I burst into tears. He gave the cigarette and told me to feel better because he cannot join me for a smoke, he went for a run. My roommate asked me too what had happened but all I could answer is, “It might be the last fight. He said he needs some time to think about it.”
My sister-in-law asked me how was the assessment I took online for the job in Barcelona because I told her how excited I was to see a vacancy in the same position as where I am right now and why I wanted to sell my iphone. I couldn’t think of anything else but to disconnect from everything. I wanted to sell it for me to be able to buy at least a blackberry to provide Whatsapp since it’s a need in the operations. I don’t need any smartphone. She asked me what’s going on and I just burst into tears again running out of words how to say that the man of my life just told me that he could never trust me again and never think of even marrying me one day. I was incommunicable last night. I don’t want to talk to anybody. I just wanted silence and drown in more silence. The phrases he sent me keeps on repeating in my mind and the meaning had at least crushed my heart. It was my fault but would you rather keep yourself deteriorating in such damaged relationship? I tried. I tried hard to win whatever was lost but it’s never going to be built.. Never for someone who can never forgive and forget.
He assumed that I was mad but in fact I was just sad and hurt by his assumptions. I removed my Viber to stop myself from reading those hurtful words and to at least keep my shit together tonight and for the next days to come. He said that he needs more time to think about it. Whatever it he’s talking about.. I’ll give him that space and time. I won’t bother him with my questions and my voice. I told him to do whatever he wants to do and contact me directly if he wants or needs to. I’ll just be here waiting to be loved and trusted once more.
Photo source: Google – Type Keep your shit together