I don’t want to sound so bitter with my post but hey, I’m just human and I guess it’s perfectly normal to feel like this sometimes. Yes, I know that it ws my choice to move away and pursue a career but I feel like it was the right choice to do. I wouldn’t be able to see the unkown sides of my significant other that I wasn’t able to see when we used to spend time with each other everyday. I am thankful that I’m not blinded anymore by those tingling electric currents that I used to feel when I first fell in love with him. Not that I’m not inlove with him anymore, what I’m saying is that I have learned to put myself first before him as much as what he did to me when I went abroad, when we started to drift away from our suposed to be the same priorities. There is a long history to the reason why he’s still at college and here I am working now and building a career for myself and I don’t need to go to that. I have moved on from all the lying and he’s graduating next year. I used to be so concentrated on him that I wasn’t able to define what I really wanted. I feel like most women who went through that stage are strongee and knows what they really want in life. I don’t want to sound selfish but he literally break it down to me that he wants to take his masterals, license, and enjoy his money earned before settling down and there I am, the last priority, not included in his plans of getting his dream car, etc.
When he talks about his dreams, it’s always ‘I want to do this and that.. And then you next.’
So what will I do? Should I only wait another 15 years before settling down? Wait for him to reach his dreams and then when he’s ready, I should be ready too?
What if I will not be ready by the time he’s ready?
What if I will never be ready?
I am afraid that by the time he asks/do something about us, I’ll be the one to say no.
When I see couples walk at our hotel lobby, holding hands, surprising their significant other with flowers, cake, etc. I always question myself why my significant other cannot do such effort even though we’re far?
Four years ago, I told myself that he’s the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. But now, I even ask myself if I ever wanted to settle down? I feel like I don’t want to.
As of the moment, I am happy by being on my own. Nobody to call me everynight to go out. I have a binding contract with my bed and I guess I’m good with that.
There are some nights when I cry but those are some nights, not all. I always tell myself that I am strong. I only need myself to be happy, not anybody else. Or maybe, I need my bed to make me happy. 🙂