Lobby Thoughts

I don’t want to sound so bitter with my post but hey, I’m just human and I guess it’s perfectly normal to feel like this sometimes. Yes, I know that it ws my choice to move away and pursue a career but I feel like it was the right choice to do. I wouldn’t be able to see the unkown sides of my significant other that I wasn’t able to see when we used to spend time with each other everyday. I am thankful that I’m not blinded anymore by those tingling electric currents that I used to feel when I first fell in love with him. Not that I’m not inlove with him anymore, what I’m saying is that I have learned to put myself first before him as much as what he did to me when I went abroad, when we started to drift away from our suposed to be the same priorities. There is a long history to the reason why he’s still at college and here I am working now and building a career for myself and I don’t need to go to that. I have moved on from all the lying and he’s graduating next year. I used to be so concentrated on him that I wasn’t able to define what I really wanted. I feel like most women who went through that stage are strongee and knows what they really want in life. I don’t want to sound selfish but he literally break it down to me that he wants to take his masterals, license, and enjoy his money earned before settling down and there I am, the last priority, not included in his plans of getting his dream car, etc.

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When he talks about his dreams, it’s always ‘I want to do this and that.. And then you next.’

So what will I do? Should I only wait another 15 years before settling down? Wait for him to reach his dreams and then when he’s ready, I should be ready too?

What if I will not be ready by the time he’s ready?

What if I will never be ready?

I am afraid that by the time he asks/do something about us, I’ll be the one to say no.

When I see couples walk at our hotel lobby, holding hands, surprising their significant other with flowers, cake, etc. I always question myself why my significant other cannot do such effort even though we’re far?

Four years ago, I told myself that he’s the one I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. But now, I even ask myself if I ever wanted to settle down? I feel like I don’t want to.

As of the moment, I am happy by being on my own. Nobody to call me everynight to go out. I have a binding contract with my bed and I guess I’m good with that.

There are some nights when I cry but those are some nights, not all. I always tell myself that I am strong. I only need myself to be happy, not anybody else. Or maybe, I need my bed to make me happy. 🙂

🚺|Iya

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