..if I can’t even be with the people who makes me feel the importance of my existence.
I wish that I could be stronger and remove this ill vision of not seeing the people I want to be with on my birthday. But no, I am weak without the people who mean a lot to me. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
On my 23rd birthday last year, I isolated myself. I requested a day off from work and I just lay in bed all day, and crying. I turned off my phone, I didn’t want to waste my time browsing Facebook and show fake happiness of merely reading the birthday messages from my friends and family. For me, without their physical presence, there is no reason to celebrate. My brother and my sister in law were busy that day as well so,yeah, guess everything’s going well.
I have issues making friends here. I don’t want to be friends with people from work who talks behind my back. Trust me, Filipinos specifically gossip in the locker about everything that I don’t want to hear. Typical Filipinos.. And their gossips. I hate it.
I also didn’t want to create deep connections with people that I was able to interact with. Because once I leave for some place else in the future, I’ll just hurt myself. I better build my walls before it’s too late.
I have discussed this in my previous posts and some may look at me as someone who doesn’t want to grow and childish but what if I am? Is there something wrong if I wanted to protect my fragile soul? I have been hurt so many times I don’t want to go through the same pain again. My birthdays always seem to be happy in the past. I always celebrate it with people who mean a lot to me.
I have deactivated my Facebook today. I have grown hateful of happy photos and posts I see on my newsfeed. I know, there’s this Filter option but what will I see then? Nothing. Because almost everybody on my friends list are posting happy photos with friends, family, and most of all, their significant other which makes me feel worse. I have grown bitter of happiness. I told myself that I don’t want to see people who are happy unless I am. And it sucks. Yes, I have chosen to feel this way because this who I am. There’s no point for Facebook except for checking my three bestfriend’s recent posts. That’s it and since I got all of them on Viber, I have decided to deactivate my Facebook account and delete FB App on my phone. I have the feeling of disconnecting again and it’s ironic cos I’m typing this right now where a whole lot of people will see how I feel and how childish and fragile I am now. But it won’t matter cos I know that WordPress will always be there to not judge me but accept me, won’t you WordPress?
I am lost in leaving a life I should be living, happily.